A Mistress for Major Bartlett Page 15

  ‘You can’t know that.’

  ‘Yes, I can. She told me,’ she said gloomily. ‘Besides, he danced every dance with her. And looked at her the way I’ve never seen him look at anyone else. Ever. And she looked at him the same. They were in love, Tom. And I ruined it.’

  ‘No. If they really loved each other, nothing you or anyone else could have done would have ruined it.’

  ‘Oh, stop making excuses for me, Tom. I am the most selfish woman alive. And sly, to boot. Yes, sly! To think I congratulate myself on never telling an outright lie. I just hint, you see, then let people think whatever they want, particularly if it enables me to do exactly what I want. Take the ball, for example. I made Gussie think I was going with a respectable matron, rather than another single lady. And let Mary think Gussie knew I was going with her, when I hadn’t actually spoken her name at all.’

  ‘Well, that isn’t so bad, is it? I mean, it wasn’t as if you were sneaking out to meet a lover, or really misbehave, was it?’

  ‘No. But that’s just it, you see. I’m always making excuses for sliding out of confrontation, rather than standing up for myself and telling them what I really want. I even sneaked away from Antwerp, rather than telling Blanchards I needed to come here. Well, he wouldn’t have let me come, you see, so rather than alert him, and have him take steps to stop me I...’ She shook her head, closing her eyes briefly. ‘It was Sunday morning. Gussie wasn’t feeling well enough for church. So I asked him if he was going to stay with her. And let him assume I meant to go with friends. And went and changed into my riding habit, telling my maid that I planned to go for a ride, and she could take the morning off, which got rid of her. Because, you see, none of the staff Blanchards hired had ever seen me being anything but ridiculously proper, never venturing anywhere without a maid, or a groom, or some other respectable escort. They wouldn’t have dreamed I could do anything so unladylike as saddle my own horse, let alone ride off on it without summoning my groom. But I didn’t,’ she said, lifting her chin defiantly, ‘because he wouldn’t have let me get anywhere near Brussels, either. And anyway, if he’d known of my plans and failed to stop me he would have lost his job.’

  After a moment’s pause, he ventured, ‘You’re not totally selfish. You took steps to protect that groom. And you did stand up to Major Flint.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I did, didn’t I?’ She took in a juddering breath. ‘But it was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. You must think I’m dreadful.’

  ‘No. I could never think that.’

  ‘Haven’t you heard a word I’ve just said, Tom? I’m cowardly, and deceitful, and stubborn and wilful, and unfeminine.’

  ‘Unfeminine? How can you say that? I watched you charming and flirting your way through Brussels society these past few weeks.’

  ‘Oh, no, Tom, acquit me of that. I never flirt.’

  ‘Nevertheless, you had no end of admirers.’

  ‘I did nothing to encourage them, though,’ she insisted. ‘In fact, I made sure that the only ones whose escort I accepted were ones I was sure wouldn’t look upon me with marriage in mind. It’s a game I’ve become adept in playing. Keeping Mama happy. For if she sees me surrounded by admirers, she thinks I am at least trying to select a suitable husband.’

  ‘But you aren’t?’

  ‘No. Even the trip to Paris was an attempt to persuade her I was doing my best to make a good match. Between us, Gussie and Gideon and I put notions of foreign princes into her head, until she started thinking it was all her own idea to send me to meet new and more exciting men than the ones I ran across Season after Season in London. And all the time—’ her shoulders slumped ‘—it was just a ruse to get close to where Gideon was stationed.’

  ‘But...Bennington Ffog...’

  ‘Oh.’ She shifted guiltily. ‘Well, you see, he was Gideon’s commanding officer. And Gideon had asked me to be kind to him. And it wasn’t as if he was clever enough to outwit me by manoeuvring me into a situation where he could get an opportunity to propose. Besides...’ she lifted her chin, ‘I was pretty sure he didn’t have marriage in mind. I always thought he just enjoyed being more successful with me than any other officer. It suited us both.’

  She shuddered. ‘Oh, heavens. I’m turning into my mother! For years, she used to get her own way only by scheming and cunning. And at the time, I didn’t blame her, because Papa was such a brute that I’m sure it was the only way she could survive. But what excuse do I have?’

  She put her hands to her cheeks in chagrin. Screwed her eyes shut for a moment. Then drew herself up, and faced Tom with new resolve on her face.

  ‘I’m going to change, Tom. I’m going say what I believe, from now on. Like my sister Harriet. Yes, I shall be forthright, and honest, and good.’

  ‘Really?’ Tom’s heart sank. If she really did turn over a new leaf, where did that leave him? Discarded, most like.

  As if to confirm his fear, she said, ‘I shall go straight round to visit Justin and tell him that he is not to worry about me.’ She waved a hand between them. ‘About us.’

  ‘No. I mean, do you think that is wise?’ His heart was hammering. The Colonel was bound to make her capitulate. Not only had she just admitted she hated confrontation, but Ramrod Randall wasn’t the man to brook any opposition to his will. Not that he could say so. Not after she’d just informed him she was going to stand up for herself. She’d think he didn’t have any faith in her.

  With the skill of an experienced soldier, he reached for the one weapon he knew he could use against her without it blowing up in his face. He’d play on her nurturing nature.

  ‘If he is really so ill he cannot even write a letter, but must have Miss Endacott do it for him—’ and, come to think of it, he must be in bad case, or he’d have torn Sarah from his arms well before now ‘—then do you think he is really well enough to endure a confrontation?’

  ‘Oh.’ She looked deflated for a moment, then brightened up. ‘Well, perhaps I won’t go right this minute. Tomorrow will be soon enough, won’t it? One more night together won’t make much difference, will it? From the way Robbins looked at me, and Major Flint, too, my reputation was ruined from the moment I brought you up to my room. Are you really so bad,’ she said, turning on him a look of naked curiosity, ‘that just nursing you is enough to ruin a perfectly innocent woman?’

  ‘Yes.’ Though he burned with shame to admit it, he’d vowed never to lie to her.

  ‘Why? What have you done?’ She leaned her chin on her hand and gazed at him with fascination.

  He felt a blush steal across his cheeks. Even his ears felt hot.

  ‘I cannot speak of such things to you. I don’t want to corrupt you.’

  ‘Fustian! Talking about the sort of things men do in the pursuit of...adventure,’ she said cheekily, ‘cannot possibly corrupt me. Why, Gideon used to tell me everything.’

  ‘I’m sure he didn’t,’ Tom retorted. ‘A man doesn’t fill his own sister’s ears with tales of his...um, exploits of a...carnal nature.’

  ‘Oh, he didn’t go into detail,’ she said airily. ‘But I know he had his amorous adventures. And I know Justin has them, too. And now I come to think of it, when it comes to having a wild childhood, I don’t think there are many things you can have done that my own brothers haven’t done in their time. Fighting, stealing, plundering hapless farmers’ crops, letting bulls out of their fields, burning hay ricks, setting their terriers on to the chickens.’

  ‘Colonel Randall did all those things?’

  ‘Oh, not him, no. And the other exploits were divided up between the other three. Gideon was always getting into scrapes. But my younger brothers, the twins who are now at Eton, are positive hellions. Do you know, I don’t believe you are any worse than my own brothers. What I think is that people are painting you blacker than you are, because of what your fath
er, and grandfather did. Which is grossly unfair.’

  ‘There may be a nugget of truth in that. But I’m still not the kind of man Lord Randall would want you to associate with.’

  She cocked her head to one side and examined him thoughtfully. ‘That is true. And you aren’t what Mama or Gussie would call eligible, either. Not a bit. Because you don’t have a title, or land, or money. Which isn’t your fault. But none of that makes you a bad man.’

  ‘I am the very last man any of your family would welcome as a husband for you.’

  ‘True,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘But then I don’t want a husband,’ she added, brightening up.

  ‘Do you know, it might turn out to be a jolly good thing to have lost my reputation. After this—’ she waved her hand to encompass the cramped room and Tom’s battered body lying in the bed ‘—even Mama might abandon her attempts to marry me off to someone respectable. I shouldn’t think anyone respectable would want me, now, would they?’

  ‘Not if they found out about it, no,’ he admitted.

  ‘I could go and live on one of the smaller estates, somewhere deep in the country,’ she said dreamily. ‘I wouldn’t need many servants. In fact, the fewer the better, because one thing I’ve discovered over this last week is how much simpler life is without maids and dressers fussing round me all day long. As long as I can keep Castor, and go for plenty of rides, I won’t want much else.’

  Her face fell abruptly.

  ‘Mama will be very upset, no doubt. She has such ambition for me. And Gussie will feel guilty because Mama entrusted me to her care. Which will so infuriate Blanchards that he will probably never forgive me. He will cut me out of their lives. I shall miss them,’ she said sadly.

  ‘But Harriet won’t care for that. Funny, I’d always thought of Harriet as living a dreadfully dull existence with her rural dean, but one thing I will say for her—she isn’t the slightest bit fettered by convention. With her radical views, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t become a frequent visitor. Unless—’ her face fell again ‘—she hears about my part in her friend Mary’s disappointment.’

  ‘Sarah.’ Tom reached for her hand, his conscience flayed raw. She was sitting there reckoning up what her association with him would cost her, while all he’d been able to think of was ways of keeping her in his life for even one more night. Of perhaps beguiling her into letting him kiss her a few more times.

  ‘Harry and Jack won’t be allowed to have any contact with me, naturally. Until they come of age. When, with any luck, curiosity may well drive them to seek out their notorious older sister. So, it won’t be the end of the world, will it? Being ruined, I mean. Only a bit unpleasant, at first, weathering all the scenes that are bound to lead up to my banishment.’

  He couldn’t let her do it. Couldn’t let her throw her life away on his account.

  ‘Sarah—’ he began again.

  ‘Hmm?’ She turned and smiled at him. A smile of such sadness that it was like having salt flung on to an open wound.

  ‘It isn’t too late. For you. I’m certain that with Colonel Randall’s influence, and his money, they could find someone to marry you and bury this incident.’

  Her smile faded.

  ‘I have no intention of letting them do any such thing,’ she said indignantly. ‘I haven’t spent the last four Seasons deliberately avoiding matrimony to surrender now, just when freedom, total freedom, is finally within my grasp.’

  ‘But...’

  ‘And another thing. Since we are both agreed that my reputation is damaged beyond repair, there doesn’t seem any point in playing at propriety any longer, does there?’

  His heart gave a heavy thud, then began to race as though it would burst through his ribcage.

  ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘I need you, Tom. I don’t want to wait until I have a nightmare to give me the excuse to seek the comfort of your arms. And, well, not to put too fine a point on it,’ she said, blushing, ‘I want to spend tonight in your bed.’

  Could he really be that lucky? Was Sarah really asking him what he thought she was asking him?

  Randall would kill him when he found out.

  Not that that would stop him. If Sarah wanted him, then...then...his head began to spin.

  ‘There’s no point in pulling out that truckle bed,’ said Sarah, ‘and having it made up when I fully intend to sleep with you, Tom. The way I look at it, if everyone thinks I’m ruined, I may as well enjoy some of the benefits, mayn’t I?’ she said cheerfully as she whisked out of the room to go and prepare for bed.

  Even though he’d had his bed moved away from the wall, so that he could no longer hear those preparations, he could still picture what was happening next door.

  He should ring for Gaston. Wash. Shave. He ran a rather shaky hand over his jaw. Let it drop to his side. If only he was a little stronger. Better equipped to make her first time memorable. The way he felt right now, she would be lucky if he could last long enough to make it even mildly pleasurable.

  But then she was coming back into the room, clad in a sensible nightgown with a demure wrap over the top, a blanket draped over one arm.

  A blanket? Why the blanket? What did she mean to do with that?

  He got his answer when she lay on the top of his bedclothes and draped the extra blanket over her legs, just as she had done when she’d sought his comfort from her nightmares last night.

  ‘There.’ She sighed, snuggling down trustingly into the crook of his arm. ‘That is comfortable, is it not?’

  Not. He was painfully aroused. His heart was stuttering like a stammering schoolboy. And sweat was trickling down his spine.

  He managed to form a noise that was a sort of pained grunt, that she might take for agreement.

  ‘We can hold each other all night—’ she sighed with a blissful purr that made her sound like a kitten ‘—and keep the nightmares at bay.’

  He certainly wouldn’t be having any nightmares tonight. Because he wouldn’t be able to get a wink of sleep, with her breasts pressed against his ribs like that and the softness of her hair flowing over his throat.

  ‘I won’t let anything bad disturb you tonight,’ he grated, dropping a kiss on the crown of her head. Most particularly not him. Dear God, how could he have imagined she’d been inviting him to deflower her? He should have known her request was a completely innocent one. For she was innocent. Pure.

  And he couldn’t betray her by letting her get so much as a whiff of his own base desires. He would just hold her, since that was all she wanted of him. Watch over her while she slept.

  Preserve the innocence she’d entrusted to him.

  ‘Tom?’

  ‘Mmm?’ He hoped to goodness she wasn’t going to expect him to carry on a lucid conversation. Not while nearly all the blood in his depleted system was raging south of his waistline.

  ‘I still feel dreadfully guilty, you know, about Justin. I did try to take measures to prevent creating a scandal, so that nobody who cares about me would get upset. I wrote to Gussie as soon as I got here, trying to explain as much as I dared...’

  ‘I saw you sitting at the desk, in a halo of light, writing something. You looked so fierce, and pure and bright, all at once. Just how I pictured a guardian angel should look.’

  She looped one arm about his waist as she shifted into what was, for her, a more comfortable position. Lord, why had he been all noble last night and promised she need not fear him? Now he had to live up to her expectations.

  He sucked in a deep, juddery breath. He’d been stupid enough to make her a promise and he couldn’t break his word. Not to her. That was all there was to it.

  ‘That only proves how very ill you were. Likening me to an angel, indeed.’ She gave a very un-angel-like snort and began toying with the buttons on his nightshirt, dr
iving him almost demented as he pictured those slender fingers sliding them undone, slipping inside, running over his chest.

  Gliding lower...

  ‘I know that now,’ he said huskily. ‘You are very much a woman.’ A woman who was becoming increasingly more inquisitive and bold. If he wasn’t shackled by that stupid promise, he’d have been trying to see just how bold she could be. She’d already shocked him by kissing him that morning, in a defiant sort of way, as though seeing how far she could go.

  He twined one of her golden locks round his finger. ‘But still, you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened to Colonel Randall.’

  She stiffened. For a moment he thought he’d offended her. He braced himself for a haughty demand he stop playing with her hair.

  ‘Do you know, I think you are right? I took the greatest care to guard my reputation— Oh, not that I give a fig for it, Tom, so don’t worry on that score. No, but I do know that Justin wouldn’t want people gossiping about me. Though heaven alone knows why he’s so consumed with preserving the family name, when our father made it a byword for depravity when he held the title. Nevertheless—’ she shrugged ‘—my presence in Brussels would have stayed secret had it not been for Major Flint.

  ‘Not even Madame le Brun gossiped about the wounded officer I’d hidden in my bedroom, you know. She says she doesn’t care about any scandals so long as I pay my bills.’

  ‘Very practical,’ he panted, wondering whether he should take hold of her hand and remove it from the vicinity of his buttons. The only problem with doing that was the temptation to guide it to where he wanted her to touch him the most. Giving her a subtle hint, then letting her explore a little wasn’t the same as deliberately rousing her, was it? It wouldn’t be breaking his promise if she was the one to take the lead.

  Would it?